A woman recently asked me if it was normal for men to want to watch pornography. She has been married for some time and accidently hit a button on her computer and a naked woman popped up. She was aghast, hurt, appalled and quite disgusted. Her words. She was concerned and didn’t know if she should mention it to her husband. She was very concerned and confused.
This is a common scenario in these days of technology where being on a computer is as regualr to us as eating or sleeping. However, hiding something from your spouse is usually not a good thing for a solid marriage.
If this happens to you, here is my advice.
First of all, take some time to let the hurt and disgust abate and subside somewhat. You don’t know the situation. It may have been someone else in the house, or it could have been that the image was installed on the computer quite by accident and your partner may not even know about it. It could be that he happened upon it and went “okay that’s interesting”. Remember that pornographic websites are very, very sneaky and they try to get themselves put in front of you in any way, even if you’re looking for kids’ toys or a popular name like Justin Bieber. There are websites that will use that information to try to push pornography on you. So your husband may not be ‘guilty’ as charged. It may not be an issue at all and you never want to assume that he has a pornography addiction or that this is something terrible that he’s trying to hide from you.
That being said, there certainly are situations where men are very much into pornography. They enjoy reading, watching or even listening to pornography. In some cases, that’s the only way that they can achieve sexual satisfaction – they need to have pornography in order to achieve arousal and orgasm. This is two opposite ends of an extreme. This is not my specialty, but I would suspect that a lot of men are somewhere within this range.
Yes – it is normal. Personally, I do think that it’s healthy in some way, as long as you’re not hiding it, as long as it’s not the only criteria or a must-have in order for you to achieve pleasure, and if it’s not coming between you or causing discomfort or disturbance in your relationship. If you both like it, and it works for both of you, or you both need it to get off, and you’re okay with that – that’s okay – that’s part of what I call living your ‘Sexual Truth’. If it’s absolutely, 100% truthfully okay, and you’re not just saying that it is and going along with it to make your husband or wife happy, then it’s okay to be doing that.
However, if one of you doesn’t like it, if it’s being hidden, if it causes problems, if it’s coming between you, or if it’s causing trouble in the relationship, then yes it’s a source for concern, and it is something that can and should be addressed. Coaching can absolutely help either one or both of you, depending on the situation. I’m happy to answer emails or have a consultation with you to see if this is an issue that needs to be looked at in your relationship. Perhaps it is something that you want to look at, not necessarily to get rid of the habit, but to be okay with the role it plays in your relationship. Let’s put it into perspective.
Passionately,
Kim Switnicki, ACC
Sex Educator & Intimacy Coach for Women
Rediscover your passion for sex and have a juicy marriage that lasts!
250.753.8692
www.kimswitnicki.com
Author of “Great Sex for Hard Times” and “G-Spot PlayGuide: 7 Simple Steps to G-Spot Heaven!”
Free Report here on the Top 10 Ways to be a Sexier, more Confident Woman
I find it interesting and actually offensive that so many of these questions about pornography (as it’s wrongly called) are directed towards men. Studies show that more and more women are getting into erotica (proper name), especially gay erotica! First of all the term
Pornography indicated WOMEN who are “used” in these films. They are not used as they accept good pay. It’s their job. And although many of us wouldn’t choose this as a career they do. They are not vicitms in “normal” erotica. When you up the anti to s & m or snuff then the deck changes. It’s really odd that women get all offended to find their partner’s porn collections. But men don’t so much. The reality of any sexual relationship is that our partners cannot meet every sexual need or fantasy. Better that you husband goes to his five fingered friend than another partner. Don’t you think? We are so Victorian!
Hi James
I really appreciate your comments and would like to add a few more of my own. There is actually a distinction between pornography and erotica where pornography is more ‘sexual’ in nature and erotica is more ‘erotic’. I use the term pornography because it is the most common terminology and people usually know what I am referirng to. In actual fact, women are much more prone to enjoy erotica which is generally of a softer nature and men are much more inclined to go for a harder, more pornographic image. Yes, this is a generalization but certainly my 25+ years of speaking and working with couples about sex backs it up.
I agree that yes, more and more women are buying adult movies to watch. But they are buying softer ‘couples’ films (usually) as opposed to the harder core stag films that men purchase which have made the billion dollar porn industry so popular.
Having worked in the adult film industry (on the mailorder end) in the mid to late eighties, I was very in tune with the culture and the ‘ins and outs’, if you’ll pardon the pun. Back then and certainly in the 70s there was a large percentage of women who were not treated well in the industry. It was a cut throat business with a lot of drug use, prostitution (we all prostitute ourselves in one way or another and that is another conversation) and not-very-honourable practices. It can be a slippery slope for these womenn, especially if they have low self esteem to begin with. Do women have a choice to go into this busienss? Absolutely? Were they paid well? Only the major stars made a lot of money and the bit players usually didn’t make that much at all. Nowadays the porn industry is an incredibly large money machine and the big players can make a very decent living. There are also MUCH better standards, the stars make more money and can expand thewir careers to becoem more than starlets. We have amazing women like Nina Hartley (who is still active in the industry) to thank for pressuring the powers that be to start using condoms in the movies and for instituting mandatory HIV tests. As in most businesses, not everyone is on the up and up and some are more ethical than others. Especially when big pots of money are involved.
I disagree that S & M is that much different than regular porn. In fact, I would suggest that BDSM is actually a practice where much more control is involved with the players and perhaps even more respect. Again that arena is better left for another conversation. I do agree that violence which is not consensual (snuff films would also come into this category) and movies involving children, which is by its nature not consensual are NOT good any way you look at it. According to my 2 rules for healthy sexual practice, if youhave 100% consent and 100% pleasure being expereinced by ALL parties involved, then anything goes. I stand very strongly by that.
The point that concerns me the most about men (and it is mostly men) hiding their porn from their partners is that it is something hidden and almost by omission becomes something that is shameful. I am a big fan of any sexual outlet that meets my 2 rules. I don’t agree that hiding anything such as porn, masturbation, online cybersex or even flirting should be happening in a mature, adult relationship. While our partners may not actively ‘meet every sexual need’, I don’t think this gives license to hide out and further divide you sexually. This is not being in an authentic relationship. It is dishonest. If you want to go to your five fingered friend, why not have your lover with you as you do so and they can come along for the ride – so to speak 🙂